Coach Bob

Why the process works

Life’s basic goal is two steps.  The first goal is to survive, and the second is to procreate.  If life dies before it procreates the species goes extinct.  We are all driven strongly by these two basic life instincts and that will never change.  Everything we do is somewhat driven by these two aspects of all life.  For life, right from the beginning of time, and unfortunately for too many humans, it’s still fight or flee in order to survive.  Some of us are fortunate not to be in danger of our survival on a daily basis, but we treat all our problems as if they’re life and death, and therefore carry around tons of stress when there’s really no need to.  By understanding our anger and fear are no longer in our best interest of survival, our brain will automatically shift its belief system to getting back in control when we get worked-up.  Notice, life doesn’t change its desire to survive, it changes the method it uses to accomplish it.  Now, instead of fighting or fleeing, we’re getting back in control before we respond.  That’s why our process works; it increases our mental and physical chances of survival!!…

The danger of self-judgment

The easiest way I know to master this stuff is to just keep checking and reminding yourself you’re trying to make your energy primary.  Our habit of responding to our thoughts and emotions have made us robots to our mix.  You’re learning to use your self-awareness to simply be aware when your emotions are not wonderful and trying to use your breathing and story techniques to get you back in control.  The difficulty is our concerns and frustrations are so ingrained in us we don’t even recognize when we’re bothered because it seems so normal.  And then we can compound our problems when we judge ourselves for not catching ourselves quicker, producing feels of we’re not good enough.  This causes us to retreat from the process—not good.

Once you see all judgment of yourself only interferes with what you want you’ll be able to catch it quicker.  The hard part is trusting just by getting back into a wonderful emotionally state your mix will give you the best thoughts and emotions to move you forward.  Notice, when you evaluate your performance when you feel wonderful you see much more of what’s going on, so the learning is so much clearer than when you’re evaluating yourself all wrapped up in your worries or anger (judgements).  You begin to see your efforts as who you are without judgment, which makes it much easier to change things up.  I’ve gotten to the point where I’m happy and grateful when I see my mistakes because I can see them and fix them quickly so I’m better because of them.  I no longer walk around thinking I wasn’t good enough.  Did that for way too long.…

Feeling wonderful while you take a slow deep breath

The more you practice something the easier it is to do it when the situation calls for it.  This couldn’t be truer than when you’re getting bothered.  Since your automatic response is to fight or flee, being able to quickly get back under control takes many reps.  So, the more often you practice taking that deep breath and feeling as wonderful as you can, the more chance you give yourself when the pressure mounts.  When we’re in our ‘war zones’, when we’re really bothered unless we’ve trained we’re probably not going to be our best.   And since being in control might be the most valuable skill you can have, practicing until it becomes second nature is very productive activity.…

Story building techniques for situations you know you’ll run into that bother you

I feel the easiest way to handle life’s ‘challenging’ moments is to have created your own defense for when they show up.  I‘ve found there are two general areas where my ‘challenges’ appear.  Either I’m bothered by someone or something.  Here are the different concepts I’ve used to build the stories I use when these two different situations arise:

Someone is bothering me:

They have to be who they are and if I were them I’d be doing the same thing.

They have to be doing what they’re doing—it’s really not about me.

They have no choice because they’re not trying to control their energy, they’re just being a robot to their mix.

I am just throwing gas on the fire if I try to point out any of this.  Pointing out to people they’re messed up is usually an awfully bad tactic!   Especially when they’re losing it!

Once I quit taking it personally I’ll be able to accept their behavior even though I might still not like it.

I’ll use some excuse to remove myself if I can’t get back in control.

Their behavior is all about what their mix is producing, and my behavior is all about what my mix is producing—don’t forget this!

I don’t have to stay bothered

They’re giving me the great opportunity to practice how to feel wonderful in a war zone.

Something is bothering me:

When it comes to completing a task that I dread or intimidates me I know I first need to remove whatever uncomfortable feeling I have running through me.

When I feel bad I can’t possibly be the best I can be.

I need to see clearly the ‘bad’ has to go and then do my reps until it is gone

Taking a deep breath and getting comfortable is the first step.

If I can’t really give it my good energy I stop immediately.  What sense does it make for me to do something that makes my energy go bad?  How could that be the thing to do?  If I really want to get it done in an easy and fun way, all I need to do is find the support I need to make it easy and fun.

This can be a little scary letting your energy be primary, but if you follow its lead, you’ll see how much more efficient you become.

A simple, extremely effective story

Making ourselves better takes work, but it’s not that hard.  Here’s a great story that proves the point:  We know from medicine stress is a killer—literally!  By catching ourselves when we’re under the stress of being angry or fearful and getting back under control quickly, we’re doing by far the best we can do for both our physical and mental health.  Not much argument on this anymore!!  And the beauty of reminding ourselves consistently about this medical fact is our brain naturally wants us to survive so it picks up on the benefit of being under control quickly.  So, as time goes by, if we consistently remind ourselves of this scientific fact, it becomes a habit.  Those of us who’ve built the habit of catching when we’re stressing out and getting back in control quickly can hardly believe the difference it’s made in our lives.…

Dealing with family fear

Although we know it’s only by doing something new and different we’ll change, there’s something pretty strong that keeps us from doing it.  And that pretty strong thing is our fear.  Our fear of doing something new takes many forms, but for the sake of our purpose, we’ll concentrate on one specific form we all have experienced multiply times and will in the future.  I’m referring to when we have discomfort in family matters.  It could be with an issue with a parent, sibling, child, spouse, or in-law.   We all know the ‘gut punch’ feeling these situations cause and how they linger on and create our anger and fear.

What you’re learning thru this process is to prepare first when you’ve observed you’re not in control.  So, first, take that deep breath until you’re aware of what you’re dealing with.  You may not be able to get back in control initially, but with effort, you’ll get back in control and not act on your discomfort.  It then might make sense to remind yourself the person is who they are and acting like they are because they have to be themselves.  Don’t take it personally.  This alone will make their conduct less irritating, and if you can stay in control long enough the situation will find its quickest and most peaceful solution.  Whatever you do, try not to remain in the situation when you can’t control the energy running through your body.  Remove yourself if you can’t.  You’ll have to come up with a new story that is more powerful than your fearful ones.

Bottom Line:

If a relationship is causing discomfort, the sooner you get back to feeling wonderful, the better.  There’s a story that can do it!  I’m here to help if needed.…

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